My husband thinks I'll get bored, he thinks I'll want to come home early, he thinks it might rain. I’m looking forward to some serious writing time. Rain or shine. How could I be bored with that? Plus exercise variations, country walks and if it rains - dancing? I could dance around the cabin uninhibited, all by myself as if no one is watching because no one will be watching. So. Yes, instead of the stationary bike, how about a little dance party. Joy! Oh joy. Yes!
A sunny Saturday morning. Not a dark and stormy night, but a sunny Saturday morning. Today we go to Camp Comfort. A weekend at the cottage for my husband. The start of a week at the cottage for me. Yippee! I am so hungry for this that I can almost taste it. Dark, quiet nights. Just birds, and nature sounds. Wind in the trees. So quiet that you can hear the wind in the trees again. I love that sound. So quiet that you can hear your own thoughts. I am looking forward to that. Sunrises or sunsets, I forget which way the cottage faces, but I know that you can get some great ones over looking the lake.
My husband thinks I'll get bored, he thinks I'll want to come home early, he thinks it might rain. I'm looking forward to having some serious writing time. I'm good at scheduling my own day. It'll be some exercise - the core exercises, plus - dancing? I could dance around the cabin uninhibited, all by myself as if no one is watching because no one will be watching. It's a huge dance floor. It won't matter if it's cold or raining out. It'll be fun to dance around without worrying about disturbing the folks trying to work downstairs. That's something I can't do at home. No physical room to dance for starters and the whole staff will hear me making the floor creak. So. Yes, instead of the stationary bike, how about twenty mins of dancing for a warm up. Yes.
Do my morning writing as usual. With my two cups of coffee as usual.
Give them an hour of light gardening every day in return for my time there. Work on weeds, putter around. Perhaps go buy some bedding plants?
And a nap. My daily nap.
And then perhaps more work in the evening, or I have three books on the go right now. Two knitting projects.
And every other day, a long walk. That'll be nice too. Explore the neighbourhood a bit. Nobody knows me. I can go out in public bald head and all.
Last night I had my first ever thought of fear. I'll be all alone at the cottage. I could be ripe for some sort of assault or invasion. A woman alone. Funny. I was never afraid, not for one moment when I stayed at the Christie Ville cottage, alone by myself for at least a week or two every summer, and often times alone with a child too. Hannah as a baby, a couple of times. It was great. I was never afraid. And it's silly to be afraid now too. Way more chance some nut bar will come up the back stairs, or even the front stairs of this downtown city apartment when we leave all the doors wide open to let the cool air in over night. I had that moment. Dismissed it and we move on. I'm not that kind of woman. No fear. Not even in the middle of the night. And if it crops up, that feeling of fear, we know what it really is. Cancer. That is my lurking fear that could pop up in other ways if I keep it too suppressed. And now it's fear of the treatment as much as fear of the disease. I have experienced how terrible the treatment can be. And how long it can last.
Yesterday. Yesterday I walked, and I walked some more. And then I walked again. My poor legs, my poor butt, my poor back. But also it was good to push it. And I knew I would get these next two days off exercise, some recovery time built into the schedule. First I did my mountain walk. I found some new side paths, I went higher and longer, it was an hour and a half walk. And I was more in the woods. It was good. Mentally and physically. It was overcast and not too hot, so that was good too. Then I walked up to the post office to check the mail before I take off for the week. And then we walked down to Prince Author St for the choir performance. That was a good twenty minutes or half hour, but fun, St. Laurent is having their street fare so we got to walk through that both ways. That was an extra hour at least, on top of my original hour and a half. And on top of the forty minutes going to post office and back. So that was three hours of walking yesterday. Pretty good. That is really back up to 'normal'. All my mountain walk gradual training, all that forcing myself to walk all winter during chemo, all of that paid off yesterday with a 'normal' walking day. I could do it. My legs were tired, my back was tired, and my butt was tired. But I did it. I am up to that level of activity again. Yippee. Feels good.
I did have a good nap. I did go to the grocery store and buy some extra, treat food for my time at the cottage. And I did start packing. It's basically all done, I just have to wait for my husband to pull my suitcase down from the top shelf in the guest room and I can put it all in there.
I had a moment. I had a moment where I was going to stop and get a bottle of liqueur. Perhaps some Benedictine and Brandy? Drambuie? I even stopped in at the local liquor store and looked. But they didn't have B&B. I moved on. And I almost stopped at the big liquor store when I went to post office. I even put it on the to do list. But I crossed it off. I thought about it for a moment and I crossed it off. Why? I imagined how crappy you feel when you drink too much, how I would probably do that while I was alone out there with a full bottle beside me, and how much that feeling feels like chemo. When I first started chemo I said that I'd had hangovers that were worse than that. It did remind me of a hangover at first. And then it got worse, and more permanent. That put me off. All in need to do now is bring up that boozed feeling, without even the hangover and I feel ucky. So, that was it. One mouthful feels nice, but after that, not so much. I took it off the list. I crossed it off the list. I'll stick with my usual one bottle of wine for the week, and now I can't even really drink that straight anymore. I mix it with soda water and make a spritzer. Interesting moment.
Time to start developing strategies for food too. I really am done with the fat problem. It's turned into the most depressing part of the whole cancer treatment experience, just feeling so awfully fat - again. I can't even blame it totally on the cancer treatments. Let's not kid ourselves. I have been overweight before, without cancer treatments. And in fact it probably contributed to my cancer too.
I'm too broke to keep buying new fat clothes.
Dispatched: June 8