My only job these days is taking care of my health. It's become a more intense job since the surgery. But it won't stay that way.
Monday morning. It's a bit cooler today. I don't mind it. It got too hot for me last night and I remembered how terrible they heat can make you feel at night, even if you're not getting over surgery and living on 2 T3s every 6 hours. It was harder falling asleep and staying asleep last night. I was annoyed, with the heat with not being able to move freely, with being back at an infant/invalid stage of life - again.
It wasn't a long down and discouraged moment, but it was a down and discouraged moment.
I've been well distracted by sister. She talks to me all the time while I'm awake. We sit in the living room and talk. We sit on the balcony and talk. We sit on park benches on our walk around the park and talk. We talk all day long, except when I'm having my nap. My husband is getting some free time. He went swimming yesterday. He did his usual Sunday things, even sleeping on the couch listening to the radio while my sister and I sat on the balcony and talked. My sister made supper for us last night. A pasta dish with roast vegetables from one of the same cookbooks that I have, fun, so I don't even have to get the recipe from her, I had it already. And a trifle for desert with my favourite - store bought angel food cake. We watched Sunday night TV. My sister’s being here is partly for him, to take the burden of caring for me off of him for a while.
I am really, really glad that she came here for the surgery. It's made a big difference in this part of my recovery. She was great in the recovery room, dealing with nurses and helping me get dressed. She'll come with me to the plastic surgeon, my husband can just drop us off. It's better if she's there for all that. Another woman. And she's been good about walking with me. I am a bit shaky on my pins. My legs did feel a bit wobbly on the first walk. And my stomach threatened to do some cramping things on the second walk. I was glad she was there walking with me. And I was glad that it was a perfect day so that we could go slowly and enjoy the walk. And also that we were in the park where there were lot's of benches to sit down on along the way.
Yesterday we did the lower mountain walk. And we did sit on benches on the mountain and then in front of the tennis courts. It was a nice long walk out in a bit of nature, enjoying people enjoying themselves. And I would not have had the courage to do that walk alone. And my husband would not have done it with me, so I'm really glad my sister was here for that. And then I had a big nap while she went out shopping for groceries for her supper dish. All good. As she would say.
Her plan is to take the train to Ottawa on Friday if I keep get getting better at this same rate. She'll stay here for the doctor visit and dressing removal. We have today to do with as we please, and tomorrow night she'll go over and see her in-laws and their kids. My husband might go with her. He did suggest having them all over here, but both my sister and I said no. I'm not ready for that yet. It's less than a week after surgery. Too much stress. Too much housecleaning which he doesn't understand. Too much cooking which he does understand and would be happy to do. And just too much, having a whole family bopping around the house all evening. I can be relaxed and almost normal here with just my sister and husband because they are both used to living with me, and I am used to living with each of them. But that's not the same as actually being normal and ready for normal social experiences.
I did have a funny brain fart with my sister yesterday. I was telling her about the mushroom pate recipe and said it was pretty easy because really you just have to stick everything in the purifier. I blinked and knew it was the wrong word right away. But then, I couldn't find the right word quickly either. It was an odd moment. Puree, I was thinking of puree, you just puree everything, and I switched the sentence to you just stick it all in the purifier. Food processor. That was the word that I lost while I pictured the machine in my mind. But it also made sense to me why I went for purifier when I was thinking thinking the machine that purees things. If both pureed and fried then it would be a 'purifryer', get it - 'puri-fryer'?
I hope this is only a brain fart. I hope it's just a result of being on these T3s, two of them every six hours except when I'm asleep since Friday. And the massive anethesea drugs, and morphine that they gave me on Friday. I hope it's just drug induced brain farts and they'll go away as I quit taking the drugs and they all wear off.
I took all my drugs on schedule yesterday. I didn't really feel any pain. Or I should say that the pain in my breast was no worse than the pain in my hand along my thumb and index finger, and the pain up my arm through to my elbow and the pain from the rash. It's still just as painful as it was, but both my husband and sister see that it's 'drying up' acting less active than before. I did the mountain walk, I had a good deep nap. And I ate well. I was hungry yesterday. So. Things are improving. Too slowly, or quite quickly depending on my mood. Today I'll try to start cutting back on the painkillers and anti-nausea drugs and see what happens. One T3 and see if it lasts the full 6 hours. I'm okay now. My last dose of 2 T3s was 9 hours ago. So it will probably be okay. I'll probably be fine to start cutting back. It will feel better to get off of all these drugs. But also, I do confess, these drugs are nothing compared to chemo. Nothing.
Still. It will be good to start getting back to normal. Whatever that is.
I'm glad my husband and I had a private, intimate moment last night. I'm glad my sister is here, cooking and doing dishes and helping out. And she's quietly watering plants and keeping things going on that front. Somebody even washed the kitchen floor while I was sleeping last night. This apartment didn’t get my usual Saturday clean up treatment this week. But it's okay. It'll be fine. I'm not going to worry about it right now. My only job these days is to take my little walks, have my little naps, take my drugs - moving off the painkillers and being more careful about making sure I take the antibiotics and the blood pressure pills. They are all in my weekly pill box. I should be able to stay on top of them that way. One pill in the morning with my blood pressure pill, and then the other one at night with dinner. My only job these days is taking care of my health. It's become a more intense job since the surgery. But it won't stay that way.
From this place in time I don't imagine that I will be able to go to the conference this year. But who knows, maybe by then...I suspect I will be taking daily radiation. 5 or 6 weeks of it. Starting the beginning of June. Daily. That will turn into it's own kind of grind. Especially if it gets really hot and humid here. I may start to hang out in the air conditioned hospital just to get away from this apartment. I hate how it gets dark, and noisy in here with all the fans, window air conditioners and closed off windows and doors. I dread that. I dread that far more than winter. That radiation part might be the worst. And I'll probably have to ride the bus back and forth, I can't imagine my husband driving me there and picking me up every day. But perhaps I can get him to drive me there, and then I take the bus home again afterwards. Maybe that can happen.
Anyways, the sun has come up, it's almost 8 am and both my sister and husband are up and about. Time to start the day.
Dispatched: May 6